It (Really DOES) Get Better - LGBT

hi all - i have a new blog of pics at …

http://bisexualboy58.tumblr.com/

and not just any epiphany … MY epiphany.

these last 5 or so days have been very tough for me.  as you know - i am bipolar.  and where i spend much of my time is in the manic state of that.  but rather than having euphoria - i am at the opposite end of that spectrum - i cry.

as the days get nearer to my late friends birthday - the mania has become almost constant.  that sucks. 

my breakdown and all that came with it (the diagnosis of my bipolar) was a direct result of reading the obituary of my friend.  he died of aids.

for the 3 years we were friends in High School, i had wanted to tell him something … tell him i had a secret.  thing is … i really had no idea what exactly my secret was.  i knew i was partly gay - but i damn well knew i wasn’t JUST gay … oh hell no - i just HAD to like girls too.  but because i liked both - i was incredibly confused … i had no idea what (or WHO) i was.  i thought i was a freak!

i did not know the word bisexual.

all i know is that i wanted to tell my good friend ‘i had a secret’.

after reading and re-reading the obituary - there was no doubt as to how he died.  he had a boyfriend whom he buried 2 years before passing away himself.  how cruel - utterly horrific!

so came my breakdown. 

never had one before - had no idea what to expect.  after 3 full days of crying over how terrible my friends death was - other stuff began pouring out of my very soul.  stuff that i’d not seen for decades.

one of the biggest (and which is a very major part of this epiphany) - i had hidden my bisexuality from the world for over 42 years.   that’s a LONG time.  it was almost instantaneous - i no longer wanted to hide.

in my hiding (in plane sight), i had become an actor.  and not just any actor … oh hell no - i had to become the best actor ever.  i could not let anyone know.  and if you think that acting isn’t hard - try doing it 24/7 - 365 days a year … for 42 years!!!

being medicated for the bipolar did something that shocked the heck out of me … it was helping me relax.  and in relaxing (tho i’m still quite manic!); i began noticing some changes in my mannerisms.  those changes kind of startled me … i was becoming effeminate. 

but looking at the effeminate - (i will use the term - fem … shorter - easier); i began looking back at my past 42 years.  incredible … i realize i’d been stopping - sometimes forcibly, to quell any and all fem mannerisms.

so, not only was i hiding my bisexual side (the gay side) - i was hiding the effeminate.

but all the time i thought i was ‘acting’ to hide the bisexual … oh was i mistaken!  i was acting BUTCH.  that was the act.  not the bisexual … i was acting like i was more man than any other man in the room!  by being BUTCH - then the world would see me as a straight!

my kids (adults) came to me the other week and told me they had a ticket for me to a horror convention.  the public dresses in costume as it is held in October.  i figured - what the heck … i haven’t worn a costume (other than my Navy uniform) since i was a kid.  so - i decided to ‘dress up’. 

well, what exactly does an effeminate bisexual wear?  i knew i wanted something that would represent me.  (haven’t seen a faggot troll costume!)  i settled for a Renaissance peasant costume.  wasn’t what i was looking for - but will do for now.

my daughter came in last nite with black fake finger nails.  i got to thinking (and that’s never a good sign!!)

then it hit me.

i’d written a short story a couple of month’s ago, and one of the lines in it states: “I am no more a man than the lady i feel”(c) 

when i wrote the story - i put myself in as the effeminate character.  as i wrote it - i felt something that i can only describe like this … i felt pretty.  not so much outwardly - but inside.

i’m not prone to wearing women’s clothing.  never have.  and i don’t get the whole drag queen scene.  so i think it’s more.  talking with my kids last nite - i told them that the fingernails is something i could do.  my daughter suggested make-up … but she was talking more Halloween make up.

though, i think if i am honest with myself … i do believe there is some degree of drag in me.  i can picture myself with SOME make-up; painted nails.  and i’d love to wear one of those long (full length) kaftans (?) that you’d see the men in Africa wearing.  yes, basically a male dress!  (and criminy jeepers … all through my Jr. High - a lot of us boys wore stacked heels!!!)  and bauble bling accessories would be a nice touch.

in the end, i guess my epiphany is basically this … since my breakdown; i came to the conclusion that i no longer wanted to hide, lie or act - crap - done that long enough!  but more - i am not just bisexual (hell - i’ve known and accepted the fact i cannot stop liking boys!); but i am also effeminate.  take that one step further - i think i have a touch of drag in me.  regardless … i want to FEEL pretty.

i put the ‘feel’ in capitols because i do think it’s more than just an outward apperance - i want to FEEL it.  i need to.  it’s still early … but i think there just might be a little lady hiding somewhere within me.

and that - is my epiphany!

peace love PRIDE

i write here rather than twitter - i’m not restricted to 140 characters. 

my mania has been quite difficult these last 2 days.  this morning sucked.  but i do have a bit of good news … actually 4 of them.

only problem is that they all came at once - in 1 day.  i’d have rather had the wealth of good things spread out over the whole next week.  like having one come every 2 days.  that would make the lead up to my late friends birthday a bit more manageable. 

but i have to take ‘good’ as i can.

first - my costume came today.  it is a Renaissance peasant outfit.  it is more BUTCH than the effeminate costume i was looking for; but it will do for this year.  next year we will delve a bit deeper.

the costume fits, but haven’t seen it in the mirror yet.  will have to wash it as it itches like hell; but am afraid it might get damaged - and it will be too late to for repairs.  still - i won’t be able to wear it for hours if it’s itchy.

second (and 3rd) - both rainbow flags have been sent.  can’t wait!

and lastly - and most importantly … the gift i had created for my late buddy is finished.  what it is, is an opal that was set in a sterling silver starburst.  the damn thing looked incredible - i got to see the preliminary.  i will pick it up tomorrow.

peace love PRIDE

as well as being bisexual - i am also bipolar.  and it is the latter that is kicking my ass right now.  as the birthday approaches of my dear late friend - my mania is kicking into high freaking gear and driving me deeper into my mania.

in case u don’t know … bipolar is basically highs and lows (but much stronger and higher and lower than most of the general public).  tho i share in both the mania (manic) and the depressive - i tend to stay pretty much in the mania. 

but where as mania can take one all the way to euphoria - (been there - but not often); since my breakdown in May … my mania is on the ‘polar’ opposite of the euphoric.  in other words - my manic can appear more like depression.  yes - i cry like a freakin’ baby! 

and for a 53yr old man to not just sob - oh hell no … i can (and quite often do) cry uncontrollably.  it’s not only unsettling for others to see - it’s ALSO quite hard on me - my brain, my body and my psyche (a tad different than just the brain). 

the upcoming b-day has driven my mania to extreme.  the last 2 days have been hell.  and i’ve had some folks tell me to ‘suck it up’ … are they nuts?  i have very little control over this.  the medication is supposed to be handling this - but so far - as it has worked recently quite well - at present - i am going quite ‘crazy’ - and i can do little to stop it.  it sucks!

i have had moments … quite a few of them recently; that makes me wish i had never even gone down this road - eventhough i damn well know i’ve needed ‘help’ since i was a young child.  but it’s so frustrating NOT being in control of my brain - my life.

one moment i’m feeling pretty good about things, then suddenly my brain hits a shitstorm and i spend the next several moments or hours crying.  crap!  and worse yet - tho the cry might have an origin - by the time it really gets going - there are so many thoughts rummaging thru my brain - it’s hard to figure out what started it all.  i end up crying over anything from my friend to spilt milk.

if anyone is out there listening (and i haven’t seen any evidence of that!) - PLEASE - come kidnap my brain - at least until Friday (the 14th) - the day AFTER Chris’ b-day.  i’d much rather spend it in happy memory rather than in misery of his not being here - and certainly not HOW he passed!  AIDS is such a cruel bully!!!!!!!!!!

peace love PRIDE

i bought a pair of flags online today.  both are gay pride rainbow - but one has a black stripe on the bottom representing Victory over AIDS.  it is to show my deepest sorrow for my beloved Christopher.  he passed in ‘95 at age 36 after burying his love 2 years prior. 

we should, and must all stand together to aid in anyway possible to help eradicate this horrible disease.  (or what i call a most horrific mother-fucking bully).  i had come so incredibly close to contracting it myself back in ‘81 … only 4 months AFTER they’d discovered what the disease was - finding the virus - HIV. 

it is scary and incredibly devastating.  i will show my pride, and my love for my dear friend; and to all who went before him, and the painful numbers that have gone since then.  and i will honor them in my solidarity against this evil bastard.

if i were to pray - it would be for the day i get to remove the black stripe and destroy it in a ceremony of celebration once a CURE has been found.  i can only hope i live to see that day.

be well and rest in peace Christopher and Shawn - you will always be loved and missed dearly.  i will never forget you.  hope to see you both someday.

peace love and PRIDE

last saturday i got out of work in the morning (work nites) - i had to do some shopping.  i decided to try something.  since being on my medication (for bipolar), i’ve slowly been noticing a change in me - my mannerisms especially. 

since first realizing that i thought boys can be cute - i quickly shut that down and became almost anti-gay.  (and that sucks big time!)  but with it - i also began what has become the longest acting carrier imaginable … i went - BUTCH!

saturday, i went out and about as ME - the real me!  i’d not ever even conciously realized it - but all these years - i have struggled with keeping the effeminate side of me in check.  yes - i am, what my mother always feared - a sissy - a fairy.  (no ma - i’m simply an effeminate.) 

i don’t wear dresses or even like drag - (tho a nice skirt to let the warm breezes waft to my nether regions would be nice!!!)  all it is, is that i hold my wrist a bit limper, my pinky is often ‘erect’; i have a slight sashay to my walk.

but going out in public for the first time as myself did 2 things …

one - i got no weird looks - no rude comments.  the world accepted me as ME.  that’s huge!

but secondly - (and perhaps more importantly) - it felt wonderful!  i have been so wanting to do this for 42 fk’n years!

i seem to be coming not just into myself more - but slowly i am also coming out too.

i love being - FREE!!!!

peace love - PRIDE!